2.22.2019

Boys Want Sex in the Morning and Penis Envy.... penis on the brain? Nope. Uncle Bonsai on the Brain!






Typically I ramble over coffee in the morning.  It's not morning - it's actually about 5:00 pm - but I do have 3 very strong, hot cups of coffee in me and I'm in between tasks with about 30 minutes free so here I am.  And what is on my mind this afternoon?

The 80's.

I was an 80's kid and by the late 80's I was a teenager and driving my little 1982 Datsun 210 Sport back and forth to my boyfriends house, who lived about 20 miles away.  My curfew on the weekends was midnight so many nights were spent doing a solo drive home with just the radio to keep me company unless I wanted to play one of my cassette tapes - which I often did - and Samantha Fox, OMD and Prince Purple Rain were played often, but there was also late night radio... when the Dr. Demento Show came on!

I'm going to guesstimate that I discovered Dr. Demento on late night radio when I was about 13 or 14.  One of the first songs I remember was Fish Heads, which I still find myself singing once or twice a year at random times, as it just pops into my head.  He also introduced me to Weird Al's music.  I recall finding him on the radio as I would be home from a babysitting job on Friday or Saturday night and laying in bed, trying to fall asleep.  Remember kids, back then we didn't MP3 players, ipods, iphones or CD players.  We had... the radio. 

I would wait all week for late night weekends so I could try to find the Dr. Demento Show on my radio.  Often times, it was so full of static, I could barely hear him or the music, and often had to walk around my bedroom with my radio, trying to find a better place to get reception.  Once I hit that sweet spot, I'd lay in bed and listen to all the music that no radio would dare to play during the day.  Or dare to play in general, because if you are a fan of Dr. Demento and know his play lists... they aren't daytime office kind of music.  But oh, they were my kind of music!

One night, I'm guessing around 1987 but it might have been 1988, I was driving home, tuned into the Dr. Demento Show and heard, through awful static, a song being played that was singing the words "... boys want sex in the morning..."

What!??  Believe me, for the 80's this was pretty surprising to hear on the radio.  Or in a song at all!

Boys want
Sex in the morning
Sex in the morning
When I'm still not fresh
Boys want
Something that strikes them
Someone who likes them
Fondling their flesh
Boys want
Someone to take and
Someone to break and
Comment on their size
Boys want
Someone to prod and
Someone who'll nod
And then just close her eyes
I tried to remember most of the lyrics as I heard them, but ultimately, I only remembered the chorus and few of the lines; but it stuck in my head and I thought it was awesome and hilarious.  So much so, that I recall telling my best friend, James, about it in the hallway of school on Monday.

You can find that one here: Boys Want Sex in the Morning  - but this post isn't about that one.  It's actually just an intro to what this post is really about - which is how that was my first introduction to the band UNCLE BONSAI.  Even saying their name, takes me back to the 80's and makes me smile.

I soon became a fan of Uncle Bonsai and Weird Al - listening for their songs in particular any time I could tune into the Dr. Demento Show.  Ahhh the memories.

But!

Life got busy with marriage and kids and I forgot about them for a few years as Raffi and other Wee Sing Silly Songs took over my life.  But then...  I found myself again and found myself remembering some of the songs I used to love, including Boys Want Sex in the Morning and Penis Envy.

I love the song Penis Envy - although no one else in my family shares my affinity for it.  The funny (not funny, but funny) thing about it is that I absolutely don't BELIEVE in penis envy.  I would have to say I have thoughts more towards "penis condolences" than envy and get a little irate at any psycho-babble saying all females wish they were men or wish they had a penis.

Ummm, no.  I love being a girl. I grew up with a lot of penises in our family (I'm the only girl in a family full of boys) and I've never, not once, ever wished I had a penis.  But I do love the song!






The Inessential Uncle Bonsai

Penis Envy


If I had a penis, I'd wear it outside.
In cafes and car lots, with pomp and with pride.
If I had a penis, I'd pamper it proper.
I'd stay in the tub, and use me as a stopper.

If I had a penis, I'd take it to parties.
Stretch it and stroke it, and shove it at smarties.
I'd take it to pet shows, and teach it to stay.
I'd stuff it in turkeys on Thanksgiving Day!

I'd rival my buddies, in sports cars and stick shifts.
I'd shower my spire, with girlies and gifts.
I'd peek around corners, I'd aim at my toilet.
I'd poke it at foreigners, I'd soap it and oil it.

If I had a penis, I'd run to my mother.
Comb out the hair and compare it to brother.
I'd lance her, I'd knight her.
My hands would indulge.
Pants would seem tighter, and buckle and bulge!

A penis to plunder.
A penis to push.
'Cause one in the hand is worth one in the bush
A penis to love me.
A penis to share.
To pick up and play with when nobody's there!

I'd sit like a boy, I'd straddle the chair.
I'd play with my fly, albeit with care.
I'd dip it in chocolate, I'd stick it in sockets.
I'd stroll to the movies with hands deep in pockets.

I'd stick in vacuums on vacant verandas.
Gas guzzling Volvos and poodles and pandas.
In puddles and drainpipes,
In doggies and ditches,
Pool halls and potholes,
And bottles and bitches.
Zucchinis and zebras,
Tomatoes, tomatoes,
In pineapples, pumpkins,
And gulches and grottos,
In melons and marshmallows!

Gloves and gorillas.
Slurpies and slippers.
Chinooks and chinchillas.

A penis to plunder,
A penis to push!
'Cause one in the hand is worth one in the bush.
A penis to love me,
A penis to share.
To pick up and play with when nobody's there.

If I had a penis, I'd climb every mountain.
I'd force it on females, I'd pee like a fountain,
If I had a penis, I'd still be a girl...
But I'd make much more money and conquer the world.







You might also be interested in these Uncle Bonsai songs and albums available through Amazon....




Boys Want Sex in the Morning
Plain Brown Wrapper: Unreleased Songs 1984-1989
The Family Feast: The Study of the Human Condition, First World Problems, and the Lasting Physiological and Psychological Effects of Eating Our Young
The Grim Parade












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